'Current Affairs'

Wine Corks, Re-Purposed by Gardeners

May 28, 2013 by Dave the Wine Merchant

5 Easy DIY Garden Markers – The Frugal Female. Wine lovers tend to be food lovers. And food lovers tend to appreciate fresh, seasonal foods. And when we can, we grow it ourselves.

But those little plastic garden markers that come with your seeds make your garden pretty ugly. The Frugal Female (https://www.facebook.com/thefrugalfemale1) offers some good ideas for alternatives, including this one for your used wine corks… and old silverware. Not sure the best way to spear the cork, as the things are tougher than you’d think, so if anyone has any experience with successful forking of the corks (without spearing your fingers), please comment here…

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Breathometer – Buy One Now!

March 19, 2013 by Dave the Wine Merchant

I value all of the buyers in my online wine shop and want them to stay alive, out of jail, and free of DUI blemishes. So if you’re one of my customers you simply have to buy one of these Breathometers – perhaps the best $50 you’ll ever spend. Click here to buy.

What’s a Breathometer?
The Breathometer is a small device that is used in tandem with a dedicated smartphone app to provide an instant read of your Blood Alcohol Content (BAC).

Just plug the portable device into the audio jack of your smartphone, open the app, and blow into the sensor to get an instant, color-coded read of your BAC – green means you’re good to go, red means you’d better book alternate transportation (see photo at right)!

The Breathometer isn’t the cheapest portable breathalizer you can find, but it’s easier to use than other models, and because it uses just a small attachment to your ever-present smart phone, is more likely to be available when and where you need it. This just-in-time presence is it’s greatest benefit, as we already know from the success of weight-loss programs involving wireless connections between scale and smartphones, allowing dieters to automatically monitor their progress.

There’s a handy Youtube video for this new product, but my TypePad blog software seems unwilling to embed videos, so you’ll have to click here to watch it in a new window

Future Development Plans
The Breathometer is new – in fact it’s still in Beta – and is currently taking orders for future deliveries (the website has conflicting information – one page says the device begins shipping this summer, another says January 2014). And while experience has taught me it’s never wise to mention features that are not included in the current release, the company says these two enhancements are currently in the works:

The app will record and “learn” your metabolic rate and use it to predict how much time you’ll need before your BAC returns to a safe driving level
Whenever your BAC enters the red zone, a button will allow you to dial a taxi with a single tap

This intelligent device is the brain child of serial entrepreneur, Charles Yim, who led the mobile division of Plum District and the founder of the neighborhood rewards program “Chatterfly”. To fund his current venture, he used the the crowd-sourced site Indiegogo, and has already surpassed his initial goal. His Bay Area roots include graduating from Stanford’s Executive Development Program.

I wish Charles great success with his life-saving product. Click here to buy the Breathometer ($50).

Cheers!

2 Comments | Filed in Current Affairs, Food and Drink and Wine.

Nude Wine Harvest Demands New Phrase

March 13, 2013 by Dave the Wine Merchant

You’ve undoubtedly heard the phrase, “Once in a blue moon“, indicating something that doesn’t happen often. A “Blue Moon” is the astronomical term for that rare month in which two full moons can be seen (about once every 2-3 years). Oddly, it has nothing whatsoever to do with the actual color of the moon.

But there’s no phrase that describes the occurrence of two full moons in a single night. And I think we need one. At least, we will when Australian winemaker Mike Hayes adopts his latest plans to harvest by the light of the full moon, sans clothing. And we’re weeks away from harvest in the Southern Hemisphere, so astronomers will have to work quickly. I implore all such star gazers to put down your pens and the Times Crossword, gather ’round the water cooler and get to work.

Harvesting in the nude by the light of a full moon may seem like a thinly disguised stunt designed to gain visibility for his winery, Symphony Hill (a notion I’ve not yet written off!). But the winery already enjoys considerable fame without resorting to cheap tricks – they’ve won armloads of gold medals and were recently listed as one of Australia’s 5-star wineries by the nation’s top guru, James Halliday. Still, un-oaked Chardonnay enjoyed a bump in sales, presumably, after adopting the generic term “naked Chardonnay”, so who’s to deny the path to success?

Hayes says the idea was just part of the knowledge he brought home after studying ancient winemaking techniques while studying on his Churchill Scholarship. The scholarship funds global travels so Hayes can study old world winemaking techniques and obscure grape varietals. I want to get me one of them scholarships.

Hayes says the ancient tradition of nude winemaking made sense. Clothes made from animal hides were not easily washed, and quickly hosted numerous strains of bacteria. Many of these microscopic bugs would have no affect on the wine, but a few did, and therefore wine was traditionally crushed by the feet of workers wearing nothing but their birthday suits.

Odd, that. I’d have thought the wine’s alcohol would have killed just about any unwanted bacteria. But hey, who am I to put logic in the path of a good story?

Cheers,
Posted by (a fully clothed) Dave Chambers
www.DaveTheWineMerchant.com

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Take Israeli wine out of the liquor store ghetto

February 1, 2013 by Dave the Wine Merchant

A good friend and customer of mine went to Israel a few years ago. He went with his Chinese wife and a couple dozen members of his extended Jewish family. He was a bit leery of the whole affair prior to going, I mean, traveling with your immediate family is challenge enough, but aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins…

But when he came home he was excited. Not only had they had a great and memorable visit, but he’d discovered the wines of Golan Heights Winery and couldn’t wait to tell his wine merchant buddy about them. He couldn’t bring me any of the wine, but he did bring one of the winery’s hats, which is on permanent display in our home (I really do need to get a better hat model).

This seems as good an intro as any to the subject of Kosher wines, which have been seeing a huge upsurge in quality over recent decades. Hence this timely (and particularly well-written) guest post from Juda Engelmayer. Enjoy:

Guest Post By: Juda Engelmayer

Having become somewhat of a wine enthusiast over the years, I have tasted many fine wines from all over the world, and have toured wineries in the United States and abroad in pursuit of a recreational oenophile’s whimsy.

Over the past 20 years or so, the market for kosher wines – don’t laugh – has grown, as post Baby Boomers acquired money and taste, and began seeking finer alternatives to the old style syrupy sweet Malaga and Concorde Grape selections of Kedem and Manischewitz.

My late step-mother loved to tell this story. She went to a local liquor emporium known for its kosher wines, and asked for two gallon-sized bottles of ritual (Kiddush) wine, one Malaga and one Concorde. The owner pulled her over to the side and said, in a low voice, “You know, you don’t need to drink that anymore. We have a large selection of really good kosher wines.”

“I know,” she said, with a tinge of regret. “But my husband loves this stuff.”

That was over 15 years ago, and the “large” selection is now a huge one.

In a sense, kosher wines have become ultra-westernized, and along with the fine cars, nice homes, single malt scotches, boutique distilled bourbons and golf outings, kosher baby boomers now collect fine wines.

Fine wine and kosher used to be contradictory terms, but with the rise of so many wonderful vineyards in Israel, the race to produce the best kosher wines soon expanded to Spain, Australia, France, Italy, Chile, Argentina, Australia, New York, California, and every other place non-kosher wines have been made for centuries.

Grapes, like all foods that grow in the ground, are inherently permissible foods, as is the alcohol produced during fermentation. Any wine can be “kosher,” and some kosher consumers accept that they are. A biblical prohibition prohibiting “pagan wine” ceased to be a problem in the first millennium, according to the rabbinic literature of the period, but social contact with non-Jews was an issue, so the ban on “non-kosher” wines continued. “Cooked wine,” on the other hand, was permissible, even during social contact with non-Jews. Thus, “mevushal” (cooked) wines became the standard until only recently. Why that is so is subject to debate. To get into that debate here is beyond the scope of this article. Besides, it would force me to examine why I can do tequila shots in a dark bar with my non-Jewish friends, but sitting down with them for a sedate dinner with wine is frowned upon.

Needless to say, the cooking process does sound as if it will certainly make any wine taste off as compared to typical non-mevushal wines. Yet, two important phenomena have occurred in the past two decades: flash pasteurizing, which maintains the essence of the flavor and qualities while super heating the wine; and the growth of wineries in Israel that are controlled and staffed by Orthodox Jews. These developments have allowed for an increased production of non-mevushal wines.

Now, I am good friends with Jose DeMereilles, the owner of and inspiration for the kosher New York bistro, Le Marais. He is not only a master chef, but a wine connoisseur who enjoys traveling around in search of the best. At his restaurant, he has some of the very best mevushal wines (they must be mevushal, because kosher certification agencies insist on it).

In recent years, he has come to know Israeli and Spanish wines of the kosher variety, and now buys them for his own home. He once believed that kosher meat could not taste as good as the non-kosher equivalents he served at Le Marais’ sister eatery, Les Halles, the home of chef Anthony Bourdain. Then Jose perfected the aging process for Le Marais, and his food now ranks among the best eateries in its class, kosher or non-kosher.

He also remembered a time when kosher wine was undrinkable and unthinkable for non-Jews, but has come to respect greatly the wines made today. That leads to his thought about wine marketing.

When you go to most, if not all, liquor stores that carry kosher wines, the kosher wine is sectioned off, and few real wine lovers will stop in the kosher section. What a grand idea it would be for Israel’s wineries — any kosher winery for that matter — to be displayed in the regional sections alongside their non-kosher peers.

This is where my public relations and marketing background comes into play, alongside my enthusiasm for wines. Kosher wineries now make a bulk of their revenues off the Jewish, and kosher in particular, consumers who enjoy good wines. That Jews are not big drinkers is a myth, but the number of Jews who drink only kosher wines is limited, and that limits market share. Consumers who want to see kosher wine sales really soar and who want to support Israel on a larger scale should work on a campaign to lessen the emphasis on kosher wines and increase the awareness of the regions where they come from.

There are few “Israel” wine sections in wine stores across the United States. There are French, Italian, Spanish, Chilean, New York, and Californian sections, as well as every other country where wine is made. Yet the Israel sections are found only among the kosher wines, and the kosher wines from every other country are relegated to that small section, as well. Take that section away, market Israel as a wine-producing nation unto itself, and place it among its fellow regions, then put the kosher wines from every other country within its own regional section. Kosher Italian with the Italians, kosher French with the French, and so on.

Kosher wineries such as Tura, Castel, Recanati, Rothschild, Elvi, Capcanes, to name a few, are perfect for the tables and cellars of both connoisseur and high-end restaurant. There is no reason they have to be put in sectioned off in ghettos in the liquor store.

Juda Engelmayer is an executive at the New York PR firm, 5W Public Relations.

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California’s Foie Gras Ban, 6 Months Later

January 12, 2013 by Dave the Wine Merchant

Tomorrow night, I’m attending a “Speakeasy” dinner, one held at an address known only to the lucky attendees. It invitation came complete with secret password for entry. But unlike a prohibition-era Speakeasy, this dinner doesn’t feature illicit alcohol. It features Foie Gras, a gourmet food ingredient turned into contraband last summer.

In July, it became illegal in California to farm, prepare, buy, sell or think about the artisanal delicacy known as Foie Gras – the liver of certain types of fattened fowl. The ban was in response to the successful campaign by some very radical animal rights activists, the most extreme fringe even resort to hideous and violent measures against chefs who support and serve Foie Gras. They even threatened their family members – imagine receiving photos of your kids at school along with a threatening note, and you’ll get an idea of what these chefs endured.

“But what of the fowl”, you may ask? You see, the animal rights groups, with whom I find myself in sympathy on many issues, objected to the forced feeding – gavage, as the French call it – that is usually used to fatten the bird and their prized livers that become Foie Gras. And to hear a description of gavage, well, it does sound quite cruel – forcing corn down a funnel and through a tube inserted into the mouth/throat of the bird in order to fatten it suddenly and quickly – resulting in a liver that is several times its pre-fattened size.

But here’s the rub – left to fend for themselves, these birds naturally gorge every fall in preparation for their long migratory flight. You see, they don’t stop to eat very often, sort of like our family vacations with Dad at the wheel.

So, aside from the funnel and tube, gorging is a natural part of their birdly existence. If you’re interested in such things, I encourage you to watch this great video by Dan Barber as he describes his visit to the award-winning Foie Gras farm in Spain, of all places, where no gavage is used at all. It is well worth the time, as is his follow-up presentation about his failed attempt to replicate this experience back home in New York.

But even if your scorecard still comes down in favor of the animal activists, even if only slightly, I do have to wonder why they chose to do battle over such a minor part of our food chain. Ever since Upton Sinclair published “The Jungle” in the early 1900′s, we’ve yet to truly clean up the beef industry. And you’d never eat cheap supermarket or fast food chicken again if you saw how they were raised. And then there’s the issue of the sea lice infecting farm-raised salmon, and how they’re now spreading to the wild salmon outside the high-density farming containers. All of which would have been far wiser bogeymen to pursue if you’re an activist whose goal is to reduce animal cruelty and improve the planet’s food supply. (a thoughtful list of 8 foods to go after before Foie Gras appears here).

So I’m looking forward to tomorrow night’s dinner, with Foie Gras served three ways. And given the guest list, the wines are sure to be memorable, with at least one bottle of Sauternes and a domestic “ice wine” from Tudor Vineyards to provide the classic sweet-salty deliciousness that have attracted international gourmands to this classic combination.

Cheers!

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Lila Farms Olive Harvest 2012

December 20, 2012 by Dave the Wine Merchant

Our olive harvest took place this past weekend. We can not be sufficiently profuse in our thanks to those who trekked the 2.5 hours to our humble farm, and helped harvest 600 pounds of olives – enough for up to 10 gallons or 38 Liters of oil. Work began a week earlier… no scratch that, it actually started with the Spring flowering, when our olive trees exploded with tiny little flower buds (see photo) that look deceptively like, in their early pre-flower stage, little baby olives. Sadly, the vast majority are infertile, and will expire unexercised so to speak.

Of the remainder, tiny olives will form, though they are a long way from finding their way into the picker’s bin and the olive press. Betwixt and between, the fruit is subject to the whims of Anderson Valley’s barely hospitable olive climate, assuring that Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” theory will once again prevail.

We’ve grown fairly adept at rating the spring bud break and the fall fruit yield of each tree on our farm (photo, left). We walk the rows, laptop in hand, rating each tree on a scale of 0 – 3, and by a fairly simple set of calculations, we’ve been able to estimate with a fair degree of accuracy, the resulting amount of oil the farm will produce in a given year.

As December draws near, our harvest invitations go out to friends and family. The event is a lot of work for all involved, but a lot of fun as well. Food and drink flow throughout the day, and into the early evening, and conversations ebb and flow from tree to tree.

This year produced a record number of guests who accepted our invitation – almost 70 – so a week before the harvest we bought more food than the US Army. Our 2012 menu included pulled pork sandwiches, and we started slow roasting the meat on Wednesday, with three 5-hour batches finding their way through our ovens over the course of two days. Thanks go out to friend and neighbor Rick Wallace, who helped cook for six hours on Thursday evening in exchange for nothing but a bit of wine and a bite of dinner. Ok, a lot of wine. But still. That same night marked the beginning of our wave of cancellations – illnesses, a theft, exhaustion, and competing holiday plans, all took their toll. We knew early on we’d have way too much food!

The weekend before our harvest saw one of the worst storms of 2012, with flash flood warnings, road closures and power outages. So we were pleased to see the day break on Saturday with our farm sitting above the fog bank, and nearly clear skies. We set out the first of three waves of food and then welcomed the ever-reliable Sverak family – the first to arrive by a long shot – and we commenced to pickin’. It was about 10AM.

Oddly, we have no photos from the 35-40 people who arrived to help during the day, and hope that our attendees’ sea of cameras produced some shots you’ll deem worthy of sharing. But what we CAN tell you is that, as the afternoon wore on, it became very clear that we had far more fruit than daylight. Even with 70-80 hands hard at work (well, assuming two each), we knew we would have to leave at least a hundred pounds on the trees, as we had to have the fruit to our milling appointment by 8:30 Sunday morning.

Here’s the odd thing. There was no management, no overseer, no verbal agreement to keep going – just a group of friends eager to share our challenge and hated to admit defeat. Ever pick blackberries and find it difficult to leave because there was “just one more unpicked spot” around every corner? Yeah it was sort of like that, only without the thorns.

After sunset, we worked by car headlight and headlamps until the cold crept into our knuckles and other aging joints, and we recessed to the warmth of our kitchen, den and living room. I’d selected wines to accompany pulled pork – Anderson Valley Pinot Noir from Phillips Hill, a Berger Zweigelt from my select import portfolio, and for those with contemporary palates, a Zinfandel from Speedy Creek – among a host of other wines from my portfolio. And for the beer lovers, Anchor Steam’s Celebration Ale was a delicious pairing, offsetting the pork’s spicy dry rub with its round and rich Holiday spice notes.

Once inside, we celebrated December birthdays (all five!) and rewarded our hard-working friends with some good conviviality. It was a fairly early evening, however, as we had to get up by 7AM for the one-hour drive to our 8:30 appointment at the olive press the next morning.

Our little four-car caravan toted almost 20 yellow bins to the press at Dry Creek Olive Oil Co., where our 579 pounds of fruit was turned into oil.

The fruit gets washed before being crushed, because there aren’t that many people who like spiders in their olive oil.

After crushing, the must is warmed up to 80 degrees (max) to help extract the oil – this is the process known as “Cold Press” you’ve likely seen on the labels of better olive oils. Though higher temperatures extract additional oil, its more bitter and lower in quality.

How much oil did we get this year? A gallon of olive oil generally results from each 60 – 80 pounds of fruit. But this year’s heavy rains increased the water content of our olives so our yield required far more olives – 89 pounds – to produce each gallon of oil So our total for this year’s harvest was just 6.5 gallons of oil for all our valiant efforts.

Fortunately, a good time was had by all, and we thank all participants for their enthusiastic contributions.

Cheers! Dave

P.S. Lost and found photo – add to this a pair of blue gloves (kid sized) and socks filled with rice. Contact me if any of these are yours!

And now – our public photo gallery, courtesy of our talented volunteers:

2 Comments | Filed in Current Affairs, Dave's Journal and Food and Drink.

To Your Health! The health benefits of wine.

December 10, 2012 by Dave the Wine Merchant

“À Votre Santé!” This classic French toast means “To Your Health” and is a common phrase heard as wine glasses are raised around the world. Today’s posting is by guest author Lily Harper, who contributes a piece listing the health benefits of wine, and helping us to draw the line at what constitutes “too much of a good thing”. So the next time you raise your glass and say “À votre santé!” remember the words to live from a cartoon character from my childhood – “Moderation in all things”. And then, once in a while, remember too the adjunct provided by my Philosophy professor ”(including moderation!)
_________________________________________________________

Many have asked themselves, “Is wine good for my health?” Despite being a tricky question, the short and simple answer is: yes, wine is good for your health if taken in moderation and as part of an overall healthy diet.

The non-alcoholic phytochemicals and the alcohol content in wine have been proven to reduce the risks related to cardiac diseases, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s Disease, and some types of cancer. What matters most when it comes to the health benefits of drinking wine is the amount taken. This is a very tricky situation where all the health benefits that were derived from wine can be quickly lost as consumption rises. If taken more than the recommended amount, the health benefits turn into health risks. The issue has been debated and researched for quite some time, and some experts have determined recommended and safe amounts of wine that can be effective if one is to derive the health benefits; for men, the limit is set to two glasses daily while for women, it is recommended to limit the intake to one glass per day.

Health Benefits

It has been established that moderate intake of wine can raise HDL-cholesterol, and this reduces the risk of heart diseases. The HDL-cholesterol is considered to be good cholesterol that helps in thinning blood. This regulates the flow of blood and reduces multiple health risks including sometimes fatal strokes caused by blockages in blood flow. It is important to ensure a regular intake of good cholesterol in order to reduce the risk of a stroke.

Wine also contains flavonoids and resveratrol which are non-alcoholic phytochemicals. These chemicals act as antioxidants and thus, reduce the risk of cellular damage in the body. Although the quantities of these chemicals are low in wine, their impacts are positive. Resveratrol has also been proven to prevent blood clotting. Recent studies have also shown that resveratrol reduces the risk for coronary heart disease and significantly increases cardiovascular health. Compared to white wine, this chemical is found in a higher concentrations in red wine. The concentration depends upon whether the skin of the grape is used in the wine making process. In the case of red wine, extended skin contact is what gives the wine its color, so the proportion of resveratrol is high. On the other hand, the skin is typically separated from the juice before the production of white wine, so it has a lower proportion of this beneficial chemical.

Wine has also been proven to enhance longevity. A Finnish study of 2,468 men over a time span of 29 years proved that individuals who drank wine had 34 percent lower mortality rate than those who drank beer.

It has also been established that drinking wine reduces the risk of type 2 Diabetes. According to research conducted on 369,862 individuals over a time span of 12 years at Amsterdam’s VU University Medical Center, individuals who took moderate amounts of wine had 30 percent less risk of developing type 2 diabetes as against those who did not drink wine. Another study conducted on 3,176 individuals over a time span of 8 years proved that moderate intake of wine reduces the risk of strokes related to blood clotting.

It has also been suggested that moderate wine drinkers have a lower chance of getting cataracts as compared to nondrinkers or beer drinkers. This was proved by a study conducted in Iceland, which showed that moderate wine drinkers are 43 percent less likely to develop cataracts, compared to others.

So we can see that moderate consumption of wine yields an impressive number of health benefits.

Things to Remember

However, despite the positive aspects of moderate wine consumption, it must be noted that these health benefits can only be derived when it is taken in moderate amounts. Just as some drugs can save lives, addiction to the same drug can result in severe consequences and the same is true for alcohol abuse. Where on one hand, moderate use of wine increases good cholesterol, its extended use may increase triglycerides that can increase the risk of diabetes and cardiovascular diseases. Therefore, an individual must maintain the fine balance between beneficial effects of a good glass of wine and sever consequences of an addiction.

____________________________

Lily Harper writes on behalf of the Coalition Against Drug Abuse (drugabuse.com) who offer a range of treatment options for those struggling with addiction. She is a health writer who specialises in encouraging people to seek a healthier lifestyle and where possible avoid the unnecessary early adoption of drugs and other treatment for minor ailments.

0 Comments | Filed in Current Affairs and Food and Drink.

Caption Contests for Winos

July 7, 2012 by Dave the Wine Merchant

If you have yet to visit the website over at PhotoBucket (or someecards.com), you’ll find a site that offers a wide array of artwork for use in developing your own captions, as well as some of the wittiest/most popular provided by others. Enjoy!

531364_418420901533479_477416631_n.jpg 420×294.

0 Comments | Filed in Current Affairs, Food and Drink and Toasts & Quotes.

Memory Lane and the Oakville Grocery

May 22, 2012 by Dave the Wine Merchant

Historic Oakville Grocery in Napa Valley wine country

Oakville Grocery reopens May 22nd!

You may have seen the news that the historic Oakville Grocery building, newly renovated, will be re-opening tomorrow. I couldn’t help but smile at the news, as it brought back memories of my entry into the wine business.

Just across the street from the store, just about where the photo at left was taken, you’ll find the Cellar Door tasting room for participating producers from Napa Wine Company. I worked there on weekends, under the patient and jovial tutelage of Andy Gridley (now of Gridley Family Cellars). I spent my weeks working at Charles Schwab’s headquarters, and my weekends in Napa. I stayed in the guest room of friends in St. Helena, and we spent my few non-working hours enjoying the many sites, sounds and tastes of the valley in the summer time.

Right around noon at the tasting room, Andy would say “I’ll buy if you fly”, and I’d venture out to forage for food at one of the small handful of nearby options. Oakville Grocery was a favorite spot, full of hand-selected gourmet items targeted to tourists without budget restraints. They also had a corner on the valley’s beautiful people, who seemed to rotate through their staff with regularity, and all of whom were surprisingly friendly, given the crush of people one encountered during peak hours.

I can’t wait to get to Napa soon, to see what the renovations have meant for this old icon. Add it to your list as well, for your next trip to Napa wine country. (and for help with your trip planning, check out the iPhone app – NapaWineries)

0 Comments | Filed in Current Affairs, Dave's Journal, Food and Drink, Travel and Wine.

How To Not Die While Drinking Chinese Wine

March 25, 2012 by Turley

By Jack Turley, Chinese Banquet Survivor

There are many spoken phrases that send shivers through my spine. Perhaps the most frightening of all, uttered night after night during past business trips to China was “As our honored guest, we have a special surprise for you. Tonight we are having a traditional Chinese banquet!”

Oh please God no.

how to not die while drinking Chinese wine

Author Jack Turley holding the honorific Chicken Head

I long ago fell in love with China, and it is still my favorite place in the world. The people are amazing, the culture beyond compare, and the cities and countryside are mesmerizing. The hospitality that a speaker from the West receives is remarkable.

The food can be…uh…interesting.

I’m not one to talk trash about the textural subtleties of Duck Tongue, or think disparagingly about Chicken Claws (or even the more rare Chicken Beaks). You won’t even see me cringe when given the traditional honored guest serving of Fish Eyeballs. Unusual food aside, it is an incredible place, and I recommend that you put it at the top of your bucket list.

I spent most of my time in Beijing, Shanghai, Hong Kong, Shenzhen, and Guangzhou. There were regional differences in the food, both subtle and extreme, but the one thing that unifies the palates of this geographically huge and diverse country is their wine.

It is awful. I mean really awful.

All Chinese banquets have many things in common. For instance, the tables are big (the smallest ones seat 12), round, and have a lazy Susan in the middle. Upon those lazy Susans will be placed tons of food, and they will keep bringing more no matter what you say. If you are foolish enough to clean your plate, (which insults your hosts by showing they did not provide enough food for his guests), people will take food off their plate and put it on yours.

Another commonality to Chinese banquets is that there will be toasts. Lots of toasts. And Chinese custom is not to say a quick sentence, tip your glass to the crowd, and have a sip of your drink. Oh no. Chinese toasts are only complete when your glass is empty, and as the guest of honor, there is no doubt that your glass will be kept full at all times.

The meal will not be considered a success unless each person at the table has made a toast (NOTE: always try and sit at the smallest table). Twelve people at your table means at least twelve toasts. If you’re lucky, you will be at a very upscale restaurant with Australian, Chilean, or Argentinian wine. On very rare occasions, you will be served French or American wine. But most likely, you will be served something from China’s burgeoning wine industry.

Chinese wine is not all that bad. It has a proven history as an industrial solvent, a bathroom disinfectant, and a valve lubricant. That the rich, fertile wine regions of China receive their grape-enhancing sunlight through thick, smelly smog-filtered skies can only be seen as a positive.

Hey, they’re trying. They’re really trying. And given the resources being applied, it’s only a matter of time before it approaches international quality standards.

But for now, while being served a bottle of “Xanxchao Vineyards ’08 Reddish Grape”, you may wonder if your host is indeed trying to kill you. Do not worry. It is simply not so, no matter how much the wine’s afterburn makes you suspicious.

And if you follow my advice, based on my hard-earned experience, there is a way out of this. My many trips (and several stomach pumpings) have taught me that your secret weapon is in anticipating the toast. The best way to do this is to always keep your eyes moving to see if someone is looking at you, about to raise a glass. If you can see it coming, you have three plays available to you:

Go for your cell phone – right as you see your host go for his glass of grape sludge, pick up your cell phone, look at it, raise your finger toward your host in that silent “so sorry, I have to take this” gesture, and walk away from the table. With a bit of practice, you’ll be able to time your “call” to last for as many as three more toasts.
Prepare a dash to the bathroom – as in the example above, anticipate and stand, saying in the only really important Chinese word you bothered to memorize, “cèsuǒ” (toilet). You should be able to stay away from the table for at least six toasts, seven if you come back with your hand over your stomach and a pained expression on your face.
Play the jetlag card – halfway through dinner, confide in your host that the jetlag is overpowering you, and it would bring honor to your family and glory to your company if you could be excused from the festivities early. Do this even if it is your third week in China.

Someday China will emerge as one of the great wine making countries. We’ll all be dead by then, but your grandchildren (or perhaps their grandchildren) will in the future enjoy wonderful wine, expertly crafted, and at a cost of only 12 cents a glass. Until then, cover for me…I think they are about to do another toast.